Why me? Why must I endure this degradation over and over again? Somehow I get locked into reviewing these games, and I reluctantly acquiesce, knowing full well that, year in and year out, there is the potential for me to stir up a fresh batch of controversy.  

On one front, I really must congratulate EA. In the past, they’ve been heavily criticized (by myself and others in the gaming press) for painting an obligatory fresh coat of paint on their sports titles, giving their games an update that is little more than a lick and a promise, and shipping them out as little more than minor upgrades on the prior year’s release. This year’s collegiate football offering certainly does not fit within the same piecemeal category. NCAA Football 09 sports a seemingly overhauled graphics engine, has outstanding presentation (even better than prior years where EA had it nailed) and gameplay that is highlighted by a radically changed passing game. This year’s release looks and feels much different than last year’s. So on that count, I must congratulate Electronic Arts for truly making a genuine effort to significantly expand and improve upon last year’s game.

They indeed made an effort, but it is an effort that, unfortunately, comes up just shy of a proverbial first down. 

With an exclusive license comes an obligation to the gaming community. Electronic Arts wanted to prevent the competition from even entering the field of play, forcing every gamer to either buy their collegiate and NFL titles or sit the next few season out.

With that said, to my friends, my enemies, to the many gamers and the twelve tribes scattered abroad, Electronic Arts has failed us all. In NCAA Football 09 they have delivered a college football offering that can hardly be described as anything other than broken. Why? Oh don’t worry. I’ll more than readily get to that. 

So after standing in line for more than an hour, waiting with utmost anticipation for this shrink-wrapped tripe, I sped home with my brother-in-law, anxious to taste what EA promised was their greatest college football offering to date.

From the outset I tell you that the visuals are indeed improved. The animations for tackles (particularly gang-tackles), receptions, blocking and, above all, throwing the football, are all vastly improved. Moreover, gone are the generic stadiums of yesteryear, with virtually every school (at least the ones I played) having its own, specific arena given the full detail by EA & co. The stands are no longer filled with clusters of smeared, pixilated mockeries of what you and I refer to as fans; instead, we’ve got individually animated masses that match the glory of the chants and cheers that are to be heard over your surround-sound speaker setup. 

The stands are full of hooligans ready to urge you onward when you’re at home, ready to assail your very being when you’re on the road. EA did a good job, with some pretty clever, lifelike chants to accompany the ebb and flow of the game appropriately enough. One close home game, which I snuck out of with a three-point win, came to a close with my student body singing, “Nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye!” Classic. The marching bands play the themes corresponding to their schools, et cetera et cetera. You get the picture. If it makes sense, it’s here. EA did an all-around bang-up job on the audio. Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit and Brad Nessler once again fill out the commentary and make a respectable showing with their performance. My one gripe here, however, is that I’m still hearing some of the same lines that were in use five years ago. Literally. Is it too much to ask that an all-new script be used and we not hear lines that we’ve been hearing for the past half-decade or so? I mean, honestly though.

But I digress. I’ve got bigger fish to fry. 

I have always felt, with girls, that for a girl with a beautiful face, she could overcome any shortcomings in the physique department. She could get away with having little to no body with her face. On the same token, a girl with an average face but a great body? Evil woman, get away. Sorry, but that’s just the naked truth. Where am I going with this?

I’ll fill you in with pleasure. 

A video game with average everything, but sterling gameplay? That’s passable. Having stunning visuals and a chest-pounding soundtrack can only carry a game so far. Where it counts is the gameplay.

When it comes to me and NCAA Football 09, this is where the other shoe drops. 

When you have the exclusive license, must you really try so hard to please? Gamers buy your latest football offering, or they sit the year out. I decided to play for several reasons (chief among which was so that our readers could be educated on the truth of the matter) and have now found myself at this critical juncture: do I once again spill my guts and tell the truth, bringing on yet another controversy for myself and my fellow editorial staff members here at GamePartisan, or do I tuck tail and grovel before the seemingly relentless, all-encompassing behemoth that is Electronic Arts?

Come on, gimme a break. It’s me. We’ve arrived at the gameplay, and it’s gut-check time. Time to roll up your sleeves, sweetheart… 

…and take the truth: this game is broken. That’s right. Broken. The running game, for what it’s worth, is effective on both sides of the ball. Running backs must use new, heavily-emphasized cutback lanes or they will be swallowed up at the line of scrimmage. On the same token, any ball carrier, whether they be a running back, wide receiver, on special terms, or a defender who has come up with the ball, must make wise use of their opportunities, or they will get very little yardage. This part of the game delivers.

However, I made use of the phrase “for what it’s worth” because Electronic Arts deliberately placed a tremendous amount of the burden for this year’s game on “wide-open” offense. They implicitly stated this. The problem is, there’s very little way to counter this. 

You whiny, popped-collar, fratboy EA fanboys out there probably nearly spilled your beer in the midst of your consternation over this portion of the review, asking if this small amount of bitching was really going to make me give the game a negative review.

The answer is yes, because it’s no small bitch we’re dealing with here. The biggest problem here is not only is the passing game broken, it’s over-utilized. It’s implemented so that the computer A.I. uses it even the most unrealistic circumstances. Second and one at your thirty, they’re trying to make a comeback, and even when the most senseless of all players in the world would call a short run to reduce the risk of a turnover and continue their march toward the endzone, guess what? They throw the ball. And guess what? Nine times out of ten, there is no way on God’s green Earth for you to stop it. Sure, select nickel or dime formation and call a cover two. Cover three. Hell, call prevent. The passing game is so broken the ball comes out of the quarterback’s hand at about three-hundred miles per hour, your defenders are rarely (and I mean rarely; literally, RARELY) even remotely near enough to the ball to make any kind of play on it, and then the plethora of moves at the ball carrier’s disposal make it exceedingly difficult to then bring about an open-field tackle. 

If you think I’m jesting, or exaggerating, go ahead, bump the difficult up above a nominal, elementary setting and see for yourself: the quarterback’s release is unrealistically fast, your defenders will not be in position to make the play, and then making the open-field tackle can be next to impossible. No defense you call will rarely manage to put you into position to counter this.

Oh, and better yet, your chief mechanism for slowing down the passing attack, often referred to as the “pass rush”, is virtually non-existent. The offensive line’s pass protection is akin to that of a NFL Pro Bowl squad, and your defenders are so slow in pursuit that even with an all-out, seven or eight man quarterback pass blitz, you will be lucky if the quarterback has less than five full seconds of time in a perfect pocket in which to make a decision. 

I cannot go on at any length long enough to stress just how badly broken the passing game is. Unfortunately, the computer A.I. is aware of just how effective it is for them to air it out, and they will assail your porous defense with every kind of passing attack imaginable, and they will defeat you. Your only answer is to play on Freshman difficulty or knock the custom A.I. difficulty sliders down to negligible levels, and then…what fun is that?

It’s either impossibility, or no challenge whatsoever. 

Take your pick, yes, pick your poison, but are you sure this experience is worth sixty dollars?

I’m certain it isn’t, and shame on you EA for delivering this experience at that pricepoint. And shame on my counterparts in the gaming press who are already delivering glistening reviews to this game. Any game journalist who is so depraved and so thoroughly deceitful as to sit down and write anything near a glowing review of this game deserves to be pistol-whipped. 

Oh, and new, rinky-dink features like being able to celebrate with the mascot do make for an amusing, post-touchdown diversion, but I wasn’t diverted enough to be able to get over the fact that by the third quarter my A.I. opponent had already hurled five long touchdown passes. [Expletive deleted], EA.

So go ahead: crank up the hatemail machine into full gear. This ain’t my first rodeo. And yeah, EA, I want my money back. Again.

Make no mistake, however: I am not calling Electronic Arts malicious. I’m going further than that. I’m clearing my throat and out and out calling them downright incompetent. Shame on you, EA, for putting this clearly unfinished, frightened freshman-of-a-game out on the field like it’s some senior, finished product. Shame!